Fun Day

I went to Riverbanks Zoo today with The Flower to meet her boyfriend and a friend of his whom we were both meeting. She wanted my opinion on him (he's definitely awesome), and it was a good midway location with interesting stuff to do. I hadn't been to the zoo since I was about 10 or maybe 12 at the latest, so there were a lot of changes. It also seemed a bit smaller to me even though we went all over the main Zoo, but that might have been because we didn't go to the Botanical Gardens. I've been before, but it was too late by the time we would have gone for us to get back to our car before the park closed.

I want a Black Footed Cat!!!! Holy cow, there should not BE that much concentrated CUTE in an animal! The adults are only 2 lbs, and they have the big kitten eyes. They look a lot like small kittens, and were very playful today. The last time I was there the Zoo had just bred some of them, and were very excited because they're an endangered/rare species. There were 4 adults today, romping all over the small unit. Overload of adorable.

Lots of birds, lots of fun, good company, low crowds this time of year.

Reunion of the Reading Club tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to it. Monkey and I spoke with Le Batard and conveyed our displeasure with him and his actions, though I'm not sure how much of it he HEARD. He will probably be there tomorrow, so I hope we can exist in the same space without interacting much. We shall see; if I remember I shall report it.

Au Revoir

~Brilliance and Light

She only sees what she wants to see

I find it somewhere between vaguely amusing and hair-rippingly infuriating the things my grandmother sees and says about my appearance.

For years she has nagged me -SO kindly, of course, you almost can't say anything because she's so well-meaning...- about my glasses. My black, rectangle-frame glasses, that look just like the ones before. "They hide your pretty eyes," she says, "You look like you're hiding behind them." She thinks I should get other glasses or contacts. No. They make it easier to communicate without words, they fit well enough, they match everything in my fairly utilitarian wardrobe, and provide me with adequate peripheral vision. And contacts dry my eyes out like mad.

My grandmother dislikes the way I have from time to time kept my hair in the past, short butch cuts that I used at school to swing around the gender-variant scale. I have had to pass these off as the result of a "$10 haircut," not a stylist who did just what I wanted, in order to keep myself in the closet to that half of the family. I finally have long hair again, and she commented this past weekend that I looked "So much better with your hair long, dear."

One of the main benefits of long hair is that it provides a veil, a shield to hide behind when I need it.

I want to scream.

In other scream-related news, Le Batard called me. I was not ready for this. I don't remember if I mentioned this here, but the last interaction we had before we left did not go well. Basically, he was an utterly insensitive, probably a manipulative jerk, did not pay attention to specific things I spent a long time explaining, and attempted to go against my wishes on a few counts. We had not spoken from before Sept. until yesterday, and I'm still not sure how to talk to him. I'm shaking and angry, even angrier after talking to my Dad last night pointed out a few more points where he'd been a jerk and I'd been too gracious to title it so at the time. Monkey and I are going to talk to him on Boxing Day, and I'm not sure how this will turn out. I don't know exactly how I want it to turn out. I wish he'd grow up and stop using people.

Wish us luck bashing his head in.

(metaphorically, of course.)

I'm also running at odds with my gender again, but not much I can do about that right now. 4 days of forced femininity have really warped my cycle of fluctuating gender ID & presentation. Whenever I've done this "forcing" before, it's rather fucked up my system, hormonally, but that's probably also due to the stress inherent in such exercises. I hope that a few days to settle down and let myself be 'male' or 'female' at will will reset me.

~Brill

Brains are leaking out of my heeeeeeeeeaaaaaaad

I started to comment, but it was a little long for that.

Visit was good, overall. Our car is WAY too small to have that many large people in it at one time, but we handled it well, I think. We got to meet my uncle's fiancee, and she's a sweetheart. They're goofy; it's cute. I wasn't able to fit any of my work into the car, which rather bummed me out. Buster's portfolio is much smaller than most of my work, so he brought that. There's a decent chance that I'll be able to go with Da when he goes back in a month, and then I can take some work to show, as well as the Christmas present for the grands.

On a less overall upward note, last night I looked more into grad schools that I will be applying to next year. This is scary. As my wonderful friend The Flower texted me when she was sending off applications, "Don't apply to the scary grad schools!" There was more, which I believe waxed eloquent about the benefits of living in the Alaskan wilderness versus applying to grad school, but I've deleted to text since, unfortunately.

Of the ones I had looked into thus far, University of Oregon and University of Mass at Dartmouth looked the best, program-wise. I did some more picking around their sites and looked at cost of living in those respective places. People are crazy. I am not paying 600/mo. for a 1Bd/1Ba. It is something "up with which I will not put!" (A phrase from my Mum, which I believe she got from her Grandmama. Not sure.) Ugh. I need more than the two schools on my list, so I kept looking and found this and this. I've looked more at the former than the latter, but they both look promising. One of my main sticking points is that I am poor, and am not exactly going into a field that's going to make me rich anytime soon, unless I get unbelievably lucky, so I don't want to exit grad school with more debt than necessary. If I can I can get a teaching Fellowship, Assistantship, or whatever the school calls it, I would be very very happy.

Louisiana looks like a very good program, but I really don't want to stay in the South, much less enter more deeply. Edinboro has an added benefit of not being very close to any large cities, unlike U. Mass. (WAY too close to D.C. for my comfort). I want to visit these places, but I don't know if I'll be able to. I think 5 or 6 colleges on my list would be a good number. Some part of my doesn't want to go to grad school, but mostly that part is the over-analytical part that worries about money.

The rural mountain roads in NW GA are very pretty this time of year, if you are ever able to drive them. Of course, they're gorgeous pretty much any time of year.

I can't figure out how to interpret the thoughts in my head, so bye for now.

~Brill

Ook.

Da, Buster, Klepto, and I are all heading down to GA today for a pre-Xmas family visit. We're leaving pretty much as soon as Da's finished getting ready. I am not quite sure how I feel about this. I enjoy visits, love my family, but playing 'good little straight conservative Christian GIRL' is exhausting. We'll not be the only family there; my uncle and his fiancee will be there, and probably my aunt and her new hubby. It's a happy thing and a stressful thing, this family-visit business.

I'm rambling. I should shush.

In other news, I pierced my ears. Rather odd considering some aspects of me, but I've been toying with the idea and decided to get it done last night. I will have pretty little white gold balls in my ears for 6-8 weeks, at which time I can switch them out for some of the others that I've bought in the past.

As much as I hate the movie West Side Story, this feels rather apt at the moment: "I feel pretty, oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and gay!"

Yes, Maria. Very gay.

See y'all later.

~Brilliance and Light

Wahoo!!!!!

All my grades are finally in, and the nearly sleepless nights and hard work paid off! I have, for the first time in college, a straight run of As for every class this semester! I am so bleedin' psyched!

*happy dance, happy dance*

Let's see if I can do that next term, too, eh?

why, blood, why?

I am starting to get rather freaked out. In the past 3 days (t/w/th), I have had 4 nosebleeds of not insignificant time/amount. The last one was tonight after the Christmas service on campus. I blew my nose -lightly!- and suddenly teh bluddz attaked. It took 15 minutes for the bleeding to stop enough for me to even try pinching it. I am going to the campus clinic tomorrow during lunch (and have been told by Monkey that if I don't go, she'll "bash you over the head and take you myself, Mmhm-mhmm.") I tried a number of methods earlier in the days to get them to stop, but apparently to no avail. I hope it's not serious. I had a cold at the beginning of the week, and I know it's partially connected thereto, but this didn't happen last time I got sick!

We'll see tomorrow.

On a lighter and less bio-hazardous note, the annual Holiday Art Sale is tomorrow (Fri), and I have 35 pieces up for sale in it. I've also finally joined the Art Club, and am helping out with the sale for most of the afternoon. Already one piece has been put on reserve for purchase tomorrow, and another girl was very interested in another when we were unloading work earlier. I hope I sell a lot of stuff, and that I can get feedback on my work from buyers, not just teachers and fellow Ceramics students.

Finals next week. I am SO not ready! GAH!

Sleep now, and another layer on my reduction linoleum cut tomorrow morning. My Women Studies and French professor has been very kind and is showing a movie all this week instead of work. I have a paper to do for the former and a brief oral interview/evaluation for the latter next week, but otherwise I get to zone and watch the movies. We're watching "La Vie En Rose" in french, and "Iron Jawed Angels" in WST. Both fabulous.

'Night, au revoir, auf weidersehen, et cetera, et cetera.

~Brill

As promised...

...pictures from ATL Pride, in no particular order:

(I have 105 pictures, so this is simply a smattering.)

These guys and gals were marching with sings for "Save the Ta-Tas," "Domestic Partnerships/Benefits," "Gays in the Military," "Youth Pride," "Unity," and "Love." One of the signs has Trans-something on it, but I can't read my pic, and my memory fails.

(Sorry, I do not know how to do the wonderful "click to embiggen" that Java does so well.)

Fabulous rainbow peacock people. I did get a front shot, but this has the better view of the spectrum. (I am peeved that indigo is no longer in the rainbow. First no Pluto, now they're taking my colors away. grrrr)

...IDK. Seriously. But it was an interesting sight nonetheless.

More people with signs! Honestly, this section was one of my favorites.

These guys were with the same group as above.

Here's one of the better drag queens that was in the parade. There were 2 or 3 others with him, but this is the best shot.

Many, many drag queens, as well as some of whose gender of origin I was not certain. This made me happy.

The bar/club the Atlanta Eagle got raided less than a month before the parade. The manner of the officers towards the patrons was absolutely horrid, and their float focused on that.

Awesome rainbow skating super-dude! He was going back and forth from end to end of the parade the whole time.

I just realized this one is crooked. And I have no idea how to fix it on here. Oh, well, take a gander at (a sideways) St. Mark's United Methodist. Woot! The insie was decked out in rainbows as well, but my camera died before I could get a shot.

There are more, but "les devoirs et le deuxieme examen francais disent a moi, 'ETUDIE!'" ('my homework and the secon french exam say to me, 'STUDY!'" Review while blogging, probably not the best way, but useful!) It makes me sad that I can't get the accents on here with the same key combos as in Word.

Enjoy the pride-tastic pics.

Laters,

~Brill

Reconnecting

I am a Ceramics III student this semester, the only level III student in a class of II, III, and IV. There are only 4 assignments for the entire semester, and Mr. Sir does not grade until the final day, so I have the whole semester to complete the requirements. The assignments are:

-Mix a glaze (he shows how, and then I mix another from the dry chemicals in the studio)

-One dinnerware set for two that matches/goes together. This includes 2 large plates, 2 small plates, 2 bowls, 2 cups, 2 saucers, and 1 or 2 something else (i.e. a casserole dish, a gravy boat, 2 tumblers, etc.)

-A sculptural series of four

-A choice series, number determined individually (I am doing 4)

Of these, I have completed the glaze mixing. Keep in mind that there are 1.5 weeks left of school, and I have 4 other classes to work on as well.

I have not been lazy. I have only the "something else" to do for my dinnerware set before it is complete. That life-sucking project has consumed the bulk of my class time since the second week of classes. I have accomplished a lot to that end, but at the expense of my other 2 projects. I started working on my sculptural series, trees, just after midterms, trying to use combined wheel-thrown forms that I then altered. It failed. At life. Repeatedly. I talked with a classmate from the IV class yesterday, and she suggested I try coil or slab methods of hand-building. (She's doing practically nothing but hand-building for her individual objectives, and has some fabulous stuff. I can't wait for the shows this year!)

I decided to give it a try; I've been doing nothing but wheel work for the last year, though I really enjoyed building things by hand. I tried a tree done with coil method, and Joy! Elation! SUCCESS! Something that vaguely resembles an arboreal entity! Not only that, but I really felt closer to what I was doing than I have for a while. Though I am focusing in both drawing and ceramics, recently I have felt a kind of malaise in ceramics class, closely linked with not producing anything I really felt "in to" or anything that could go towards my show next Spring. Working with the clay tonight, not trying to force it around on the wheel, I felt that start to dissipate; I felt excited and connected to what I was doing.

I hope I can keep this up, and finish my projects, but mostly keep that connection to my work that I seem to have strayed from. I knew the other methods were there, I just had spent so much time on the wheel that my brain wasn't processing anything else. I need to keep the cerebral cortex firing on ALL cylinders, and connecting thoughts. D'oh.

Night.

~Brilliance and Light

A very Proud Halloween, and religious sadness (but mostly rambling)

Last weekend was Atlanta Gay Pride, and I had the opportunity to go. It was an absolute blast. Ally went as an organization event, and we stayed at the home church of one of the members and former officers. We arrived Saturday evening and got settled in, then everyone else went out to party a bit. I had some very interesting reading, was very tired, and had the suspicion -confirmed- that the security system might not be generous enough to let them in if they got back after midnight, so I stayed at the church. We all went to church there (Saint Mark's United Methodist) Sunday morning and then watched the parade. The route leads right in front of the church, so we got seats on the curb facing the church and had an excellent view of the parade.

Although I had a full battery when it started, my camera died right before the end of the march, so I missed a few good shots, including a man who'd painted himself into a rainbow and donned a suit of bubble wrap--JUST a suit of bubble wrap. I did get a picture on a friend's camera, though.

After the parade we went down to the park and walked the booths for a bit before heading back to school. All around, pride was amazing, hilarious, inspiring, and kind of sad in some ways. St. Mark's was very welcoming and open, had rainbows all over the chapel and had a speaker from the Human Rights Campaign. Even though the woman whose church it was had told us it was a welcoming and accepting church, I felt anxious before the service over wearing my "gay tag," a rainbow dog tag on a chain.

I am a gay/bisexual, trans-spectrum human being, predominately identifying as a female. I am a Christian. I feel that God loves me, and He/She will always love me and I should strive to live as morally straight a life as possible. Jesus said,

³⁰And you shall love the Lord your God out of and with your whole heart and out of and with all your soul (your life) and out of and with all your mind (with your faculty of thought and your moral understanding) and out of and with all your strength. This is the first and principal commandment.

^{³¹The second is like it and is this, You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these. (Mark 12:30-31)}

And I try. And I often fail, because I am human, and I am a fallen creature. But He/She loves me anyway. Knowing that, I get little love from The Church. I felt honest surprise -joy, elation, relief, giddiness, a real sense of rightness, but also surprise- when the actions and words of everyone I heard in that church actually matched the professed acceptance. That church made me happy, but my surprise makes me that much more aware of how far I feel I have been pushed or have willingly retracted myself from the established church.

I loved church as a child, and still do to some extent. Though not by any stretch of the imagination a singer, my most earnest form of worship has always been through music. Whenever I have attended a church without a good music program, I have felt that my communion with God has been stifled or limited in some way. While I am not currently attending regularly, I make a point in my personal worship to listen and sing songs that seem to have a deeper spirituality. It helps.

{{This is where the pictures are supposed to be, but We are Experiencing Technical Difficulties. My camera would let me look at the pics, then it gave me generic icon images, then it died, so we'll see how generous it's feeling after a recharge and a stern talking to.}}

You'll just have to make do with pictures of protesters from another march/ pride/ something. I found this on Pundit Kitchen and it made me happy.

see more Political Pictures

This post was a lot more rambling than I intended, and didn't focus on what I'd originally planned on posting, but I've been meaning to do a post or two on religion (Cameron got a bug in my ear for that), so here you go. Deal with it, oh three people who read my blog.

~Brill

Art First

I am an artist. I do things like stop in the middle of the sidewalk to stare at the spaces between tree branches. Yesterday I spent three hours in the early morning printing my lithograph with my professor for Print I, and, as I am a messy person, needed a bath after classes ended. In the shower I noticed that my arm had 2 intersecting lines of ink that had smudged in a very interesting way. Thinking it was a noteworthy design that I could probably recreate to good effect in a monotype, I automatically washed everything but that area so I could reference it later.

Then realized what I'd done, and nearly hurt myself laughing.

I am an artist, and I think the fumes are getting to me.

A brief note

I scooted my chair forward and heard a clink. I checked the floor around my desk and lo and behold there were coins on the floor! I am now 56 cents richer. Go me.

Enh...and stuff

Long time no blog, and all that. School hit me upside the watch like a ton of bricks, and what little time I have left is devoted to an intensive study of Lolcats. A flash-thru of my last few weeks:

--We've had midterms, and I have mostly Bs, though there's a possibility that I have an A in Women Studies and either an A- or B+ in French III, depending on what grades went in and how they were weighted.

--I like Printmaking. I feel as if I should do some kind of penance for uttering such blasphemy, but I like it. Mainly the monotypes, but the lithograph was its own brand of fun, even if I didn't sleep any time near the turn-in date. I want to take Print II next year. (Still feels blasphemous, mostly because the teacher is a taskmaster of epic proportions. Interesting, but assignment overload.)

--I have lots of work to do in Ceramics in the next 5 weeks. Most of a dinnerware set for two, a sculptural series involving the tree forms I've been developing for a few years, and a "choice series." A doodle carving I did on a pot out of frustration ended up pretty good, and Mr. Sir suggested working that theme into my set. I have started carving the cups, and already know that I'm going to have to let the other pieces I want to carve dry to bone dry before doing much if not all of the carving. It is too difficult to remove carving refuse on even a moderately damp pot, whereas I can simply blow it off of the dried pieces as I did on the sketch pot. Whee for process development!

--We have had advisement for the next 2 terms (January and Spring). I will have 6 classes and a lab, 17 hours, and somehow only one class M/F. This still confuses me, and I'm the one who did the schedule.

--The good news (is it good? idk) is that after this year, I will have only one more requirement that is not a studio class or is not directly related to my senior show/year (e.g. Senior Seminar classes), and that class is yoga. I finally got into a science class, though I'll be doing half my 4th Ceramics course as a sort-of independent study- leaving Ceramics half way thru to go to Astronomy, then coming back during free time to complete the 3-hour class time.

--In non-school related news, I'm going to Atlanta Pride for Halloween! Our magnificent, excellent, and never-sufficiently-praised Ally secretary got us free lodging, some meals, and possibly gas money. I love her.

--It was before BS/LS week when last I blogged, so I shall say this: I have awesome littles! The week was a bitch, and if I had it to do over again I would do some things different (like getting sick. Not very, but wouldn't do that again), but the awesome, amazing gals I now have as Little Sisters made it SO worth it.

--I spent the first half of Fall break at Cameron and Dream Weaver's house. We went to Pagan Pride in Clemson on Saturday and froze nigh to death, but it was very fun overall. I got to learn about a new (to me) clay body from another vendor. She uses paper fibers mixed into her clay, and it gives the clay an airiness that shocked me the first time I picked a piece up. And the second time. And the next. I really need to look into this for future reference. Getting to visit with Cameron and Dream Weaver was wonderful, as was communing with cats (though not having one bite my neck).

--Da visited yesterday. It was a good visit, tho not very long. He was on his way home from a business meeting, and stopped in. It was very good to see him. He was the happiest I've seen him in months.

--I get songs in my sleep. Usually I can't remember them by the time I wake up, but some days I remember some. Today, I actually managed to recall or reconstruct 2 verses. It's things like this that make my morning. I just wish I knew enough music to write down the tunes.

Brain wants to go do something else now, so au revoir.

~Brill

Geeking out here, move along, move along

A few months ago (in a longer and meandering post) I wrote on here that I had finished a trilogy of novels by S.M. Stirling: Dies the Fire, The Protector's War, and A Meeting at Corvallis. I expressed annoyance with the ending of the third book. Or rather, a desire to inflict physical damage upon the author for ending such an interesting series on such a precipice, if he had to at all.
As with much of my life, I forgot the minute details of my own writing, and remembered those of others'.
Yesterday I received a message from Cameron, my friend who had introduced me to the series originally, saying that I had a comment here from Stirling. Of course I got the message at the beginning of a 3 hour long Drawing class, so it was harder than usual to hold still. I checked the post, and recalled my vehement wish to inflict harm. I was more than slightly embarrassed.
However, he did not seem offended, and I was informed of another book in the series, to my great joy.

Mr. Stirling, if you read this, I couldn't find your blog to post this on, but I wanted to say that you are am amazing author. Dies the Fire was so fascinating that it had my brain going too fast to sleep for days. Keep up the good work.

Happy, embarrassed geek.
~Brill

The Awesome Suite-Mates of Namelessness are no longer afflicted by such a terrible crutch. With their consultation they have become... ZombE-hoff and The Brit.
Two freakin' awesome people.

And now to eat food I shouldn't.
~Brill

Kitteh and school

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This is Smudge. I swear, this looks quite a bit like her, and never have I seen as psychotic, fractious kitten. Every night around 9 or 10 she turns from regular ADHD kitteh into PSYCHO SHARP AND POINTY STALKER-HUNTER OF DOOOOOOM! and attacks our poor, defenseless chairs, blinds, dust bunnies, legs, you name it.
I love her.

I am back at school now. I am all moved in except for my loft; Dad fell and pulled his back while making it, and it is not yet complete. He will bring it up once he's recovered and finished it. I'm sleeping on a twin-size spring mattress. I haven't had either of those features in a bed since freshmen year, and it's difficult to adjust my mental perimeters to the size. I was losing covers and pillows all night.
Classes start tomorrow. I registered for 6 classes, three of which are studio classes (including the ominous Printmaking of Death and Sleep Deprivation (though only the first word is listed in the course catalog). It struck me as I reviewed my class schedule that I am crazy. No way in hell could I possibly keep up with the projects in my art classes and still complete the assignments for 3 other classes. (I'm also taking French for the first time in 4 years this semester. Is there a god/saint of students, because I'm gonna need it?) So, in the interest of seeing my suite/roommates at some point before fall break, I elected to drop one of my courses. The only non-major, non-Gen Ed course I was enrolled in was an Art History elective that would go towards a minor in AH if I chose to declare it. I got the Drop/Add form and filled out as much as I could, but I need Mr. Sir's signature. His class is my first tomorrow, followed (at a leisurely pace) by my Religion class, and then the scheduled time of the class to be dropped. I have enough time between my first and second class to drop my third class. Guh.

I get a Little this year! happyhappyjoyjoy. As a junior I get to adopt a freshman in the mentoring program here known as Big Sister/Little Sister. We chose Littles through a long, weird lottery process (not The Lottery, but bad enough in it's own right), then anonymously shower them with gifts, hints, and clues meant to confuse our identities for one week until we're revealed in a ceremony. I loved Big Sis/Little Sis my freshmen year, and I am so excited to be on the "giving and confusing" end this time around. Monkey and I have been shopping for Littles gifts since our freshman year. Awesome Suite-mates of Namelessness (I really need to fix that, don't I?) are in the same group of Bigs that we are, and we fully intend to us this to maximize the confusion. Mwahahahaha....er...you hear nothing!
AWA is 3 weeks from this weekend, right before BS/LS starts. I may get no sleep for a week or more getting ready for the two events and keeping up with classes, but I'm still hyperactively excited.
Woot!

~Brill

so much to do, so little time

I go back to school Sunday. Tomorrow I will finish (read: do most of) my packing and Dad and I will pack up the truck with my new bed, stair-step bookshelves to get ON said bed, and way too many boxes, bags, and sacks. Move-in starts at 10 A.M. Sunday, and I want to be there BY 10 so that we aren't wading through lots of other people. In my experience, most of the students get there around 12 or 1, so we should get in a few hours of less-crowded work.
Monkey and I are living in the dorm RIGHT NEXT TO THE ART BUILDING! Much happy. Less hauling. Fewer hernias. That building is the one with the Jack-and-Jill style suites of rooms, with 2 girls per room, sharing the bathroom. Monkey and I will be in one room, and two of our friends who have also roomed together since freshmen will be in the next. (I will name them when I can think of suitable names. They are full of character and deserve consideration in the naming process. :) )
Because of our GPAs, Monkey and I got into the group of overachieving overachievers that gets to stand there and look pretty at the official College formal Convocation events; let's call them the Pretty Purple People. (Code name for "Long Boring Mandatory Ceremonies Where Too Many People Talk For Hours On End...Especially the President." We have to attend so many of certain types of these throughout the year, and write pledge slips stating we've attended.) Pretty Purple People also stand at every music event and hand out DIFFERENT pledge slips for the music students, who have to attend so many recitals per semester that they don't recognize any other buildings. (The music program, esp. music Ed., has so many hours that it makes my major look like a walk in the park. Eurg.)
The main thrust to the letter from Appointers of the Pretty Purple People was that I 'will be representing the College,' especially when I am 'wearing the purple and gold Pretty Purple People ribbon,' and should dress accordingly, e.g. an 'unpretentious' black dress. Unpretentious I can do. Black I do so much that my grandmother seems to think I'm a goth. Dress... not so much. The only black dress I have is VERY pretentious, purchased for Lip Sync last year and probably illegal in a few states. So I went shopping.
FOUR STORES AND TWO DAYS LATER... I have as unpretentious of a black dress as I am likely to find. I also have another black piece of spray paint masquerading as a dress. It called out to me. It said, "I am soft, and I am thin, and I will cause your parents to make very strained faces and funny whimpering sounds. Buy me."
I had to. The dress compelled me.

I got to spend time with E-chan and the Flower when they were here before I have to leave. the Flower attends school and has an apartment in Charleston, and E-chan has been in Japan for most of the summer, so getting to see them, even if not at the same time, was wonderful. The Flower and I also made plans for her to kidnap me during her fall break and return me during mine (hers is the Th/F and mine is the next M/Tu).
Monkey, E-chan, Editor Kay (another HS friend) and I all visited at the park and had lunch together a few days ago. It was lovely. We really need to spend more time together. Editor Kay and E-chan will both be at the same school (also mum and C's school) next year, and they also plan to come up to stay with us sometime after midterms. I look forward to it.

I have more things to...Oh! Buster is in college now! This is unreal, and slightly frightening, and really awesome. And lots of other adjectives! He's in art school too, for Graphic design. (but I think he'll be a bit more employable when he graduates than I will.)

I've been looking at graduate schools. Again. More seriously this time. I still need to talk to my adviser and ask about various career and grad school options, but I think I am going to go ahead and get my MFA in ceramics. I may starve, but I think I will be happier getting my MFA than I would getting an MAT. Of the schools I have looked at, I keep coming back to a program in Oregon. I don't like the thought of being farther than a few hours' drive from home/family, but I love what I've heard of the Pacific Northwest area and want to go there.
We'll see. I have another year to build up my portfolio, work towards my senior show, and decide on what grad schools and grad programs I want to pursue.

Tired. Anxious. Excited. Sleep is the best option.
Laters...hopefully sooner than later.

~Brill

Pink is just a washed-out red

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My feelings exactly.

So Tired.... And Rice Pudding.

I spent a long weekend last weekend at Cameron and Dream Weaver's place helping them dig out and reorganize their shed and Cameron's studio. While I am not sedentary, I tend towards a slightly lazy lifestyle, and am not much for exercise per say on a regular basis. I enjoyed staying with them, talking and listening to music and hauling boxes like crazy.
(It actually got to the point where I, the bibliophile, responded the the announcement that there was another box of books with "Oh, fuck.")
I am sore, tired, and happy.

On another note, Da has made rice pudding. It's been since I was Klepto's age that I last had rice pudding, and I can't say that I appreciated it all that much then. The school does a poor, burned imitation of rice pudding on occasion, and I've learned to avoid it.
However.
This was delicious, rapturous, sweet and textured and fruity and nutty and NOMS!!!!

I am happy.

gnaw, ganw, gnaw

...that is the sound of me gnawing on heads.

I had rather a bit of a post on my gender issues, thoughts, etc... and then I thought I saved it in drafts and shut down my computer last night for some much needed sleep. I get back on and there's the title, there're the tags, but noooooo post. Crap. Double crap. Scratch that, start over; I'll put it up when I get it done.

Gnaw.

They Keep Telling Me I'm an Adult, But I Don't Believe Them

My twentieth birthday was last week. I am no longer a teenager.
Whee?
I feel like I'm growing out of the house; I've already decided I'm staying at College next summer and working as a counselor at the summer arts program they run for kids. I would have this summer, but chickened out/procrastinated (shocker, I know) and didn't get the application in on time. I won't be able to do the house-sitting for my Psych teacher as I have for the past 3 years, but the money and the DISTANCE and the autonomy are all greater at school.

I got very happy-inducing gifts: money from the grands, which will almost exclusively go to things of which they would not approve, but which I will couch in neutral terms in letters. GLBT fiction and non-fiction become "books," and the corset I have been planning for for a year is "clothing."
My Mum, wonderful creature, got me 2 farcical ("Farcical aquatic ceremony!") comedies: Galaxy Quest and Dogma ("Outdated imperialist dogma!"...I do love the peasant). It is absolute coincidence that Alan Rickman stars in both of these. Total coincidence. Happiest pf all, I now have my own Heather Alexander CD! I'm vaguely embarrassed of the noise I made when I opened it... but only vaguely. Dad didn't need those eardrums anyway.

**Spoiler alert ahead for Dies the Fire series**

I've finished the Dies the Fire trilogy, and now wish to hunt down S.M. Stirling and beat him about the head and shoulders for ending the books with a bloody funeral, wedding, and ominous vision. Seriously, there are too many loose ends! What's the next book/trilogy in the series? Grah!

**End Spoilers**

This past week I sat in at a counseling office as a stand-in receptionist/gopher/paperwork minion. It was interesting, enlightening, and slightly bewildering.
(The fax machine is an evil, evil creature, and We do not understand its devious ways. In fact, We think that it it took a long walk out a close window, the world would be a better place. But that's just Our opinion.)
Paperwork is much easier.

I've made mention of doing a post that delves into my internal gender issues, and I will. Just not today, and not until I have a much longer stretch of free time, and less S.M. Stirling eminently on the brain.

Laters.
~Brill

Double Take

Yesterday I saw one of the most stupid vehicular decisions I have ever had the misfortune to witness. On the way back to the place I'm house-sitting this week, I came up behind an old, red, beat-up minivan that looked to be from the early 90s at the latest. It was going slower that I, and I was stuck behind it for a number of blocks. As it turned, I noticed that this old, beat-up vehicle -a van that had barely gone the speed limit if that- had a huge spoiler bolted onto the roof.
Wishful, wishful thinking.

Patched together

I have a pair of pants I love. Several, actually, but this one of one of my oldest. I got it in my freshman year of HS and it was a second-hand acquisition then. An upperclassman friend of mine whom I'd known almost as long as we'd lived in town and whose family at this time attended the same church as mine often gave me clothes she'd grown out of, and we were fairly good friends. Still are friends, but she just graduated from the local college, and we've drifted apart as people do.
Back to the pants, these were a comfy canvas pair of cargo pants, khaki and baggy and heavy. I loved them, and wore them often in the ensuing 5 years. Flower (who shares the name of the giver of the pants, incidentally) wrote in one of the zip-up slits in the side "I LOVE YOU!" as she and other friends have done on a few pairs of my pants.
Well, canvas is tough, but it is mortal. This past year I have had to re-stitch both inseams to various degrees, and mend a rip parallel to the inseam. However, the fabric itself gave up the ghost this last semester, and the resulting hole in the uppermost inner right thigh was large enough for my entire arm to fit through it. So today while HyperSpawn was in Summer program and KleptoSpawn was having MORE psychiatric evaluations (be afraid, be very afraid), I fixed up a patch from some canvas-y stuff (two, actually... the first was too small) and fixed my pants. I am happy and feel both accomplished and very, very frayed.
This last is probably due in part to the return of my cycle, but though I feel and look fine superficially, I feel as though I am a dark and angry river, frozen on the surface to mask the frustration and undirected anger below. I am ready to lash out and consume the first hapless passerby to disturb my fictitious calm. I am confused and frustrated; I hate this combination. It is what made math Hell for most of my classes, and did the same for much of my early social interactions. Maybe I just hate people. Misanthropy is a pretty word -- words are nicer than people.
Guh.
I need to let off steam in a controlled way, not aimed at a live person. I have an idea from something I saw in a friend's LJ, sadly enough. I might go write anonymous angry things to myself until I feel better. It's worked before.

Later, hopefully not over a month again.
~Brill

I Winned!

I won the ceramics prize in the Student Juried Art Show! Wheee! I have a pretty certificate and a $100 check on the way, which should cover art expenses with some left over to actually *gasp* save! AWA and Big Sis/Little Sis week are approaching very quickly.

Eep!

Now, I may or may not have mentioned this on here before, but I'm an art major. Shocking revelation, no? Specifically, I am a Studio Art major, Bachelor of Fine Arts track. The BFA program has a much stronger focus on the studio time than does the BA degree. 30 hours more, to be precise, and all but one class of it studio. As a BFA student, I have to undergo a process of evaluation and validation (of my work) by art faculty in order to 'officially' be declared BFA. I have up 'til now been under the impression, given to me by members of the faculty and by students, that the BFA reviews were in the Fall or Spring of my Junior year (next year, NOT this). A few of us got an email this morning informing us that, Congratulations, we have reached the point where we are eligible for BFA review. Our submissions for the review are due (matted if 2D) on April 17th. (Incidentally, this is also National Day of Silence, in which I hope to participate this year).
O.O
urk. eep. ulp.
We have to have 10 pieces for the review. I don't know if I HAVE ten quality pieces, and DEFINITELY not matted. I have a lot to do in the next month. Mattboard isn't cheap, either, and I had gotten mine at cost from the school, but I'm pretty sure the Photo prof doesn't have any now.
I really, sincerely, and deeply hope that we have a glaze firing before April! I'm going to add independent handbuilding onto what I'm already doing in my Ceramics 2 class (throwing only) and hope I can get some more pieces done there in time.

In addition to the BFA review, this weekend is the submission deadline for the campus Student Juried Art Show. All 2D work (the only kind I have with me; 3D work is in Gwood) has to be matted, framed, and ready for hanging. Mine is only matted, and framing is pricey. This is the second show I was NOT going to be able to enter, when Monkey said her parents were coming down on Saturday and they said they would bring my work. Happyjoy! I'm debating on whether or not to put prices on anything or mark it all "Not For Sale." I will need some to enter in the BFA review, but I want to make back the entry price.... Decicions, decisions.

But I go for sushi tonight, so everything is copacetic now.
Laters. Much, much later.
~Brill

Close, but no cigar

In regards to two posts ago, I missed it when I so wrongly maligned the smallpox vaccine. Wrong plague. It's Influenza.
"Influenza! Influenza! It's a virus! It's a virus! It's not the same as love!" (with best regards to Garrison Keillor).
You know, being able to quote La Influenza is probably the one bright spot in this whole shebang. Being able to research for the paper isn't because it's bloody depressing. My teacher (henceforth known as Rat Pimp...He's a Psychologist who breeds rats for studies; it makes sense to me!) wants one book source for the paper. He's only getting one source, because I went to the library, found one source, and went to the Dr., found out I had the flu and was contagious. Hence, we research tonight on Hogarth/Lappy.
My loverly friend Songbird (formerly and unimaginatively referred to as M, I think) took me to CVS to get my scrip filled. I saw her in the student center after getting my mail (I know I shouldn't have been in there, but my allowance was in the mail, and I needed that!), kept her away from me and through whisper and gesture explained the situation. She got her mail, I got shoo-ed/chased out of the center by 2 of Campus Life's staff b/c of my sick, and she and I went to CVS. She's a vocal major, and I really hope I didn't get her sick. The Dr. said I was one of the first cases of flu she's seen this year, but according to Songbird, our friend Lady (lives off-campus) has it, and a girl from work asked me to work for her b/c she's sick, and on the way back another girl called Songbird & said she was sick, and some of her symptoms matched. Guh. Thankfully Monkey and Sunshine don't seem to be showing any signs of flu yet. *knock on wood* I didn't have a flu shot in the fall, but after this I think I will next year. BLARG!!!!

(odd. Blogger doesn't like any "n't" contractions, but has no trouble with "BLARG")

I go die now.
~Very Dull Billiance

Oh, ow.

My throat doesn't like me. My voice is completely gone, the throat is very, very sore to where swallowing is a delicate operation and sneezing has made me cry. Also, I've had sporadic coughing fits almost to the point to making myself sick, and all I've had to eat for the past 2 days is water or variations thereof, soda crackers, apple sauce, Gatorade, and a very misguided attempt at broth from bullion cube. I'd've had PB for (much-needed) protein, but it's crunchy. Usually a good thing, not so much now. I'm going to the nurse in half an hour.
I have a research paper due in Psych tomorrow on Thurstone, one early-20th century dude whose only works in the library on campus center heavily on math FAR above my sphere of experience. The on-campus periodicals all start just after the ones containing his articles were published, and JSTOR doesn't carry those journals AT ALL.
I have one book source, and possibly 2 others, but one of those is primarily biographical.
A partner and I have to present an oral report on him Thursday. See the voice comment above.

I wish I'd taken the Buffy the Vampire Slayer class.

~Grr

Variol-ee, Variol-ah, variola-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaah!

OK, so maybe it's not smallpox, but I did manage to catch the Death Plague that's been going around. It's already picked off 2 in my ceramics class (the one Ceramics IV, and the one other Ceramics II...it's not a big class). I felt fine when I went to bed (too late) last night, but when I got up for the mini-retreat and on-campus training for my job, I felt like I'd just had a bad asthma attack: sore, rough throat and lungs that felt beaten up. I had a dry cough all through training.
After training, I took a shower hoping it would give me some much-needed humidity in the lungs, but no-go. I slept for 3 hours and woke up feeling worse. I had a fever, full-body aches so bad that clothing seams hurt like sandpaper, and a non-migraine, non-sinus headache. That last one feels weird, because I almost never have them, and it doesn't pulse or push, it just hurts.
(Side note: Blogger doesn't like the word "doesn't" until I type it about 5 times. It prefers it be "does n.")
The fever has come and gone, and I woke from the nap with my heart pounding for no apparent reason.

I want to be better. I have 2 papers due in the next week, (though one paper is optional; one now on one book or one later on another) and I need to do research. Gah!

~Light

Well, THAT was interesting!

Never have I had anyone show such rapt interest in my legs as tonight. The (about) 4-year-old daughter of 2 of the music profs here sat beside me with her mother and played with my fishnets whenever she could. She was bleedin' adorable, and has about 1/2 the music school wrapped around her finger.
As to the act, it went off without a noticeable hitch, except for Le Batard falling off the stage at the very end, though apparently it looked planned.
The Finale was the Supremely Awfuls, a groups of professors who put up their act for purchase in a mortarboard auction last semester, and a group of us purchased it. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
The final set-up of the act was Prof A standing out in drag and a bum-roll with "OMG, just look at her butt!" "I know! It's just so big..." etc. playing in the background (Prof A is a theatre prof and hammed it up rather a bit). From then, the line-up was "Fat-Bottomed Gilrs," "YMCA" "Space Cowboy" and "Wannabe." With, of course, 'appropriate' costuming for each act. Three of the 4 profs were, by the end of the act, in dresses, and the other ("Sporty Spice") wore a bra over a t-shirt. I think I cheered/laughed myself hoarse. The thing was horrily campy, tacky, and fabulous.
What was really cute was the little girl from earlier dragging her daddy's pants from where he'd tossed them stripping from one costume to the next and took them around the partitions in the back to toss them to her dad.

Bounty-Schmounty

Tonight I gave bra-sizing and purchase advice to a professor. A male professor. Lip Sync does these things to people. If this show doesn't drive me to insanity or murder, it will be absolutely awesome!
Because I will be dancing around in front of rather a lot of people alternately pretending to stab and rub all over Le Batard in a dress that really limits my sitting positions, I thought I should attempt to make myself ...maybe not 'presentable,' but less like an art student with a month of roots coming in. So tonight I dyed my hair "Medium Golden Brown" (approximate natural color) from black...THEORETICALLY. What really ended up happening is that my roots got a little darker, and my hair has a very slight dark-dark red-brown sheen. Poo. If I don't want to live with roots until it grows out to where I can cut it, I'm going to have to go to a professional.
Silver lining: roots are not easily visible, or at least blend in to the rest of the hair, so it won't be a bother on stage.
I also really wanted to get rid of the various shades of blue and brown oil paint that reached to my *elbows* (I epitomize grace and neatness , and the Pope visits Stonehenge to honor the Celtic gods every Solstice). While the dye set, I worked on the paint (and dye that I'd splattered shoulder to elbow, nicely complementing the paint) with the school soap and paper towels. Really, Bounty has NOTHING on institutional paper towels. Even the Quicker Picker-Upper wouldn't have lasted through repetitive scrubbings of ears, whole arms, neck, hairline, and arms AGAIN on one towel without even starting to break appart. The things don't tear either, except when wet, and only then with great determination of spirit.

I THREW A BOWL! TWO!! No, not across the room, on the wheel. After two weeks I finally managed to make a bowl that didn't shuffle off this mortal coil and join the choir invisible in a very abrupt, centrifugal fashion. The smaller of the two has been trimmed, and the second one probably will be done tomorrow in class. I'm looking forward very much to the production and firing of products in this class, partially because then I'll get to see my work from LAST SEMESTER finally finished (Including Monkey's Xmas gift, sadly. Poor dear's been wonderfully patient.)
It's late, and tomorrow is more day than I have room for, even though one of my classes was canceled, and theh paper moved. I tried to think about what I'd do if all that had been tomorrow on top of everything, and started twitching.
Sleeping now. Typing later. Much later.
~Brill

It's ba-ack

Oh, my. It has been quite a while since I posted. And interesting stuff has even happened! Oh well. My month in a nutshell: I passed my personal finance class better than I thought I would, though studying aspects of estates, wills, and estate taxes left me dreaming about how much of an inherited house (pretty one, too) was subject to estate taxes. I've just now started my second semester, and I think that, if my books get here and I can actually afford my art supplies, I will enjoy it greatly. I only have 2 studio classes (Ceramics 2 and Painting 1 -the expensive class), but I'm also in an Honors Psych class and an indulgent History class. The former is my final Honors class, save the Junior seminar, and I didn't need the latter but took it because I like history and I'd heard the teacher was excellent (so far, he really is). I've an Art History class as well about which I haven't much yet to say, but about which I'll probably complain later.
The largest item of note on the horizon is a Lip Sync show in which I will participate later this month. It's sponsored by the GLBT club here, Ally, and as a member (& VP) I'm not only participating but also helping with much of the set-up and take-down. I'm doing "Squish" from Cell Block Tango, a la Chicago, and Monkey and Le Batard are also in it. We did this show for the first time last year and while it was an absolute hoot, there were also some...learning experiences. Like not to put paper down on the runway, and that the stage set-up we used was not only the wrong shape, but also not the best choice of support (We used risers instead of an actual stage, and it had a runway theme that only worked for a couple of the acts but mostly stuck out like a sore thumb for the rest.)

Now, re: the title.......
I CAN PULL MY HAIR BACK AGAIN!
I re-acheived my mini-ponytail (affectionately named Robyn by Monkey the last time I grew my hair out) today. It requires the liberal use of hair clips, and whisps slip out of those, but it is Out Of My Face, and I've found 'my' face again. This may not make much sense, but though my hair's been short for rather a lot of the last 4 years, the face I mentally associate with myself has long hair. (It's also my natural color[s], which I haven't seen since, oh, this past summer.) I think many if not all people have an idea of 'self' with which they associate themselves, and mine has always had long hair, pulled back away from my face in a ponytail. It may sound odd, but I've missed my long hair, and have asked Monkey and Mum to remind me of this tedious wait for growth the next time I make noise about chopping the poor stuff off.

A friend and classmate of mine introduced me recently to a folk singer to die for: Heather Alexander/Alexander Adams. He's a FTM transgendered singer who, as a woman, was actually a very close ringer for the friend who introduced me to his work (there's no relation between the two). Look up his or her work on YouTube, no matter how long the bloody site takes to download; it's worth the wait. It's folk/folk based, and hence catchy as all get out, but really, really good.

Enough for now. I have actually finished my homework for tomorrow (as much as I can, cost and availability of painting supplies aside), and I want the sleep I denied myself the past two nights.
Au revoir,
~Brilliance and Light

Higher than the effing proverbial kite

Well, as of yesterday morning, I am officially wisdom-less. Tooth, that is. Since I had my lowers out last year, there were only 2 left to remove, and this time we went to an orthodontic surgeon in Augusta who, while less convenient, apparently was much less expensive, especially after our dental coverage altered at the beginning of the year. This doc explained a bit more thoroughly than the other, and the staff was much friendlier during the process, at least as far as I remember. My surgery was at 11:15, and we got home around 2. Or maybe 1. I don't recall clearly, I was still coming down from anesthesia and better than half my face was numb. (On a side note, whenever I have had general anesthesia, whether independent of or in league with IV drugs, I have always regained feeling in the right side of my face much more quickly than in the left). I slept off and on (mostly on) for the rest of the day, until half-seven. I got up and since I hadn't eaten in almost 24 hours, had a bowl of applesauce, more Oxy, and a clindamycin (antibiotic, which should also knock out the slight head cold I woke up with on Thursday). Then around 8, my body decided that everything from my small intestine up needed to...relocate. Violently. This was my first negative reaction to anesthesia, and I would rather it never, ever, ever, ever, EVER happen again. What word is ever-er than "ever"? While usually when you get ill, throwing up relieves some underlying pressure, such wasn't the case last night. I cannot remember the last time I felt so miserable, possibly including my broken arm. I finally reached the point where I had been dry-heaving for about 10 minutes off and on, I was able to lie down and work on sleep. At some point during the night I woke up (assisted frequently by one or both of the cats) and was THANK THE LORD no longer nauseous.
When I got up I was so shakey I could barely walk. With preparatory assistance I had eggs, applesauce, yoghurt, and hot cocoa over the day.
Now I'm on my 2nd Oxy of the day, and anything more complicated than sitting on the sofa and keeping my head in generally one position is a liiiiiiiittle challenging. Da came by and started moving my head around, "It's fun to play with drugged people!"
I'll keep that in mind for next time HE'S on oxy. He's worse than I am.

I go back to school tomorrow, and I have to be back before 8 to attend the required meeting on Blood Borne Pathogens because some idiots in my dorm can't properly dispose of feminine hygiene products. Now, issues like this I might be able to understand in Middle School, possibly early High, but in College? Come on, people! That's disgusting!
Grr...[/rant].

Later, all,
~Brilliant